Cannibal Café Rocks Town

The poet, Stanislaw Lec said, "Is it progress if a cannibal uses a fork?" According to a serene town in the South-west, the answer is yes, and sometimes a spoon for the soup special (roast-toe stew is a favorite.) Not every town can say they're the first to host a completely original eatery, but the cannibal café may soon be known as the first American, ethnic-food based restaurant.

Most towns can boast a bakery, a convenience store, and almost always, America’s favorite fast food restaurant, McDonalds. However, in this isolated sanctuary, where a main street of stores branch off into five streets of modest homes, a cannibal café is welcomed into the community.

“It’s been a wonderful addition,” says forty eight year old banker, Millie Loaner, “People were reluctant to have a new business in town, especially when started by a foreigner, but we were pleasantly surprised.” She and her daughter, five year old Kimberly, like to go there for lunch every Saturday and sometimes Sundays too. "I just can’t get enough of that Asian thigh,” says Millie, "Ask anyone. It's the town favorite."

"Better than liverwurst," confirmed her neighbor, eighty year old Jackson Mail, whose family was one of the first to settle in the town.

The owner, newcomer Mary Pozetti, agreed to meet us in front of the picturesque little restaurant and treat us to the delicacy, which she says many call “better than pasties and soda altogether.” Indeed it is. I ground into the flabby chunk with my knife, took one bite, and almost ordered myself another plate right then and there. It tasted as rich as a French chocolate (sweet yet salty) and as tender as Peter Lugar’s best steak. I felt light headed from excitement before I opened my mouth, but elated afterwards, and as I walked back to the ten room motel, I still had that blissful taste on my tongue.

Pozetti admitted that she would not have dared start in a city. “You think the city is so much more liberal than a small town, but I grew up in both places during my life time,” she told me, “And I can tell you that it’s never for sure that a town will not accept you. This town is evidence of the kind and reasonable people that inhabit the suburbs.” I brought up the legality of the restaurant, but Pozetti was quick to assure me that what she is doing is within the law.

“All the citizens served at my tables have been put there through their own desires. What’s wrong with wanting to be in the stomach of nature, rather than in the ground? Or burned to a crisp?” Although sometimes, she says, that’s what happens to them anyway.

The café is also popular with the teenagers of this subsection of the south. “It’s, like, the newest thing, and it’s totally in,” Jessica Iron explained when I asked why so many of her friends love to eat there. “We come over after school, and Mary is always giving us free finger fries to go. She’s the nicest woman, and not at all strange, like we thought Mexicans would be. They’re awesome, and so is their food. Mexican food is totally kick ass.”

Along with finger fries, and the other delicious treats served at Cannibal Café, there is also ‘mashed middle’ for toddlers and those too old to digest their food. “Mother loves it,” says sixty-year old librarian Martha Ridge, a cheery looking woman with blue eyes that betray her youthful spirit, “It’s great to have some variety, and mother loves the taste. She eats Cannibal Café while watching jeopardy, and for breakfast in bed.”

Although there is no question about taste, some citizens do not realize the source of the miracle meat. “What does it come from?” considers construction worker, Michael Ray, “That’s an interestin' question right there. I think some sort of African animal. Probably elephant. I don’t know. I just love the taste.” And people agree with him. Who cares where it’s from? It’s pretty, it’s delicious, and the price is as affordable as a sandwich at the local deli.

To sample Mary’s dishes, simply send an email to CannibalLovin@gmail.com, add your address, and wait for a reply. Or, if you would like to donate, please specify the name of the donation, and its best physical attribute. She’s sure to give you a good deal either way.